


And if I only could, make a deal with God, and get him to swap our places

by mardi89



Category: Erkenci Kuş (TV)
Genre: AU after Ep 40, Action, Angst, Drama & Romance, F/M, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-07
Updated: 2019-05-22
Packaged: 2020-02-27 13:54:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 12,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18740386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mardi89/pseuds/mardi89
Summary: “I'm here againA thousand miles away from youA broken mess, just scattered pieces of who I amI tried so hardThought I could do this on my ownI've lost so much along the way”





	1. Yeah, that's my love She hides away, like a ghost

**Author's Note:**

> I was inspired to write this after seeing several comments on Twitter. I had a similar idea months ago that involved Fabri, and since he’s no longer on the show I adapted it for current events.
> 
> This can be read as an accompaniment to Lonely, but it isn't necessary to read that first. 
> 
> Inspo Playlist:
> 
> My Own - Whitaker  
> Lovely (with Khalid) - Billie Eilish  
> Where’s My Love (Alternate Version) - SYML  
> Running up That Hill - Placebo  
> Breathe - Fleurie  
> Pieces - Red  
> When The Darkness Comes - Colbie Caillat  
> Be Still - The Fray

He had only been back for a few days, and he was already in the thick of it. CeyCey and Deren had roped him back into agency business and his father and Emre had pulled him back into family affairs. That’s not what he was really interested in, but it worked as a way to stay close to  _ her _ . He did miss everyone, he didn’t realize how much until he had them all back, but  _ she _ was the only thing on his mind. He was going to win her trust, somehow. They were meant for one another. He was done ignoring it, done running away from it. After all, you only have one love in this lifetime.

Everything changed when he opened her book to a random page to read her beautiful words. Words about him, words she couldn’t  _ say _ to him because she had poured them all out already. He felt like he understood her for the first time in over a year. That was the moment he decided to sabotage his boat instead of sabotaging his life. He ripped out that crucial piece of equipment and threw it out into the water like it was the knife she stabbed him with when she refused to believe him. He was still bleeding, but he could never heal with the weapon still inside, poisoning him.

He was far out into the bay at that point, but he looked back at the dock he left minutes before. He  _ swore _ he saw her, just her shadow. The image of her gauzy white dress fluttering in the breeze like a ghost. 

He spent the whole night reading her book. He needed to know, her love, her pain, everything in between. The yacht bobbed like a cork in the water, driftless just like he was before he found a renewed sense of purpose. When the sun came up he packed a bag and set out toward land on the emergency raft. He’d never used it for a more important emergency than this. 

He told everyone his boat was broken, which wasn’t a total lie. His father decided to rent the available house near  _ her _ place, and he just assumed he would crash with him. He suspected his father had ulterior motives in living there, but he had ulterior motives of his own so he said nothing. It was actually nice living with his dad again, and having  _ her _ as a neighbor wasn’t so bad either. They didn’t purposely bump into each other, she was still avoiding him like the plague, but he appreciated every glimpse he got. 

She limited her interactions with him, speaking to him in a perfunctory way, only when necessary. Still, he had observed enough to have a rough idea of her daily schedule. What he didn’t already know he pieced together from CeyCey and Muzafer. He didn’t want to frighten her, but wanted to make it very clear that he was staying, not because of his boat or his father, but for her. It was hard to communicate when she avoided being alone with him, but they had always said more with their eyes than with their words anyway. She had caught him staring several times, but she didn’t say anything about it. Sometimes she even looked back. It gave him hope.

He had seen her this morning, watering the plants like she liked to do before it got too hot. She made tea and set out snacks for the boys who were working on their produce selling strategies. Normally she would then make herself comfortable somewhere, her special table outside, or sometimes curled up on her white couch, to write. He assumed that was what she was doing now, but he wasn’t currently watching her. His father decided to help the boys out on their project as a way out of boredom, and had asked him to bring him his old briefcase. It took him a while to find it, digging through suitcases and boxes that had been brought from the storage locker. When he found the old leather thing he casually walked into the communal backyard to hand it to his dad.

The three men tried to get him to join in brainstorming, but he was preoccupied. At first he was nonchalant about it, just casting his eyes over to her house to see if she was enjoying the sunshine. But when he didn’t see her right away he looked in earnest. From where he was he couldn’t see her inside the house either, but waited a few minutes before looking again. She was probably in the restroom or tidying something. After ten minutes passed he decided to be more direct about it.

“CeyCey?”

“Efendim?”

“Did, um, did Sanem go to the bazaar this morning in your place? I was just wondering who was watching the stall if both you and Muzo are here.”

“No. We decided we needed a day to strategize. We weren’t going to open the stall today.”

“Oh. Tamam, sounds good.”

He hoped his casualness didn’t sound too forced. In truth, he was starting to panic. He knew it was absolutely none of his business how she spent her time. She’d managed for a year without him. He knew his concern was was hypocritical, but he couldn’t scrub it away. His gut was telling him something was wrong.

Helping with the lemon stand and the foundling agency wasn’t the only thing he had been up to since deciding to stay. He’d had a whole year to think about what happened and where he went wrong. He took full responsibility for what he did to Yigit, the guilt ate at him every day. He knew he hadn’t treated  _ her _ right, constantly making the wrong moves even with the right intentions. But there were other forces at play, he just  _ knew _ it. He still didn’t trust Yigit, and he never would. He had to have been the one to throw her notebook in the fire, and he had a few ideas as to why. Even though this same behavior had contributed to their undoing, he decided to make a call to a private investigator. 

He refused to see his mother, even though she had been calling him, and Emre, and even their father trying to get to him. She had been horrible to  _ her _ , but he turned a blind eye to it when they were together. He wanted to pretend like they were one big happy family, he wanted the fairytale. But time made him realize that she would never be the Queen Mother of their story. Was she really the Evil Queen who turns into a witch just so she can slay the beautiful maiden? Only time would tell.

He should have felt ashamed of himself for what he was doing, having two people followed, snooping in their business, but he didn’t. They made it his business when they decided to interfere in his relationship. He was here now. He wasn’t going to run away, he needed to heal  _ them _ .  _ She _ was the most important thing in his life, he’d even told her as much, way back when. He just hoped the end would justify the means.

The private investigator had only had a few days to work. He didn’t have much information yet, at least that’s what he said over the phone. He was still establishing their routines and patterns, so he could more easily identify anything out of the ordinary. He tried telling himself that the man would call him if anything bad had happened to  _ her _ . Surely he would be the first to know? He was reputable, and he paid him well. 

Darkness fell and she still wasn’t home.

The sick feeling in his stomach intensified to the point where he couldn’t eat. His father noticed that he was acting strangely, but didn’t push the issue. Aziz Bey put himself to bed an hour later, but he stayed up. He was sure this qualified him as a stalker, but he couldn’t  _ not _ wait for her to come home. No one else in the vicinity seemed concerned about her disappearance. Had she done this before? When she got so bad that she had to be institutionalized? Was she somewhere alone having a panic attack? He ran through every scenario in his mind, and in every single one she didn’t want his help.

He fell asleep on his dad’s back porch just before dawn.

She still wasn’t home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will have at least four parts. I hope to get one out a day so this story is complete before the episode airs on Saturday.  
> Let me know what you think down in the comments!


	2. Drawn into your mystery I was just beginning To see your ghost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Isn't it lovely, all alone?  
> Heart made of glass, my mind of stone  
> Tear me to pieces, skin to bone  
> Hello, welcome home”

She had just set her laptop down on her work table when her phone started buzzing. 

**_“Merhaba Yigit.”_ **

**_“Merhaba Sanem. Are you busy?”_ **

**_“I was just going to sit down to write-”_ **

**_“Great! Why don’t you meet me at the coffee shop down the road from your house?”_ **

**_“Well I-”_ **

**_“I’m on my way now. I have a surprise for you.”_ **

**_“Oh, that’s very kind of you. I guess I’ll just pack up my notebook and be there in a few minutes.”_ **

**_“See you soon!”_ **

**_“Tamam. See you soon.”_ **

She thought her boss had sounded a little odd over the phone, but maybe it was just the excitement. He had been tense since  _ he _ came back to Istanbul, which was understandable. The one interaction the men had left her on the verge of a panic attack, so she was going to do all she could to avoid that happening again. Even if it meant uprooting from her cozy spot to meet at a coffee shop. She supposed she could work there too, she kind of craved a latte anyway. 

In truth it was impossible to avoid  _ him  _ entirely. Aziz Bey had moved in next door, which she didn’t mind, but  _ he  _ was staying there too. 

It was only three nights ago that she had run to the pier just to see his boat already set off toward the bay. She whispered his name and kissed his ring, because she couldn’t kiss him goodbye. She watched the ship until it was a small white dot in the dark waters. When her tears came so fast she could barely see, she turned to run back home, tucking the ring back where she kept it, next to her heart.

She had the shock of her life when she saw him standing in her backyard the next morning, a bag slung over his shoulder. Hope surged in her chest, but she quickly stamped it down. He had left and returned twice. She couldn’t trust his fickle nature, it was messing with her balance.

Avoidance was the only tactic she knew to utilize. She tried pretending like he wasn’t even there, but as days passed it was more like he had been there the whole time. He gave her space, didn’t push to talk to her or get offended when she gave him one-word responses. He was just always  _ there _ . She told herself it was because they were effectively neighbors now, and that’s what happened when you shared outdoor space. But there was more to it than that. She could feel his eyes on her often, and strangely it didn’t bother her. If it were any other man it would feel creepy and wrong, but it was  _ him  _ and it felt more like he was trying to communicate with her, or watch over her. On a few occasions she gathered enough courage to look back. She didn’t know how to feel about what she saw in his eyes. 

She felt his eyes on her this morning too, even though she couldn’t actually see him. In a weird way she had grown accustomed to the feeling, it was sort of comforting. She thought about bringing it up at her next scheduled therapy appointment while she packed her bag and took off down the road on foot. 

It only took her five minutes to reach the cafe, and Yigit was already there, sitting at one of the small outdoor tables. She sat down across from him.

“Did you order yet?”

“No….”

“What does that mean? You don’t want anything?”

“I wasn’t planning on staying.”

“Oh-”

“Can I tell you about your surprise?”

“Um, tamam. What is it?” 

“Do you remember when you were trying to write the first few pages of your novel last year and I offered to make us a camp so you could write without distractions?”

The memory hit her like a ton of bricks. She gulped. She remembered, even though she had actively repressed many memories from that time in her life. 

“Yes. I remember.”

“Well… I did it! I set up camp so you can write there.”

“What? Today?”

“Evet. I finished setting it up last night.”

“Wow, I don’t know what to say.”

“Say you will work on your sequel? The publishers in New York that I have been talking to are anxious to read the first chapter.” 

She thought about it for a moment. She had every intention to write a sequel to her first book, and of course she wanted it published in New York. But she didn’t like the pressure that Yigit put her under. He had always been anxious to get his hands on what she wrote, but he had been very overt about it the past few days. He called and texted her at all hours with new offers, or even just brainstorming ideas. She felt a little bad for ignoring him lately, and it wasn’t like he felt comfortable coming over to work at her house with  _ him  _ around. 

“Can I get a latte to-go first?”

“Yes! You’re going to love it there.”

She got up to go inside to order her drink and she heard him shout out to her to get him one too. She chuckled and rolled her eyes at his excitement. 

When she came back out with cups in both hands she expected him to still be seated at the table. She furrowed her brows in confusion when she didn’t see him right away. A honk from a dark colored sedan caught her attention. Yigit was in the driver’s seat of his car waving for her to get in. The lines between her eyebrows deepened. He hadn’t driven his car since he had been injured a year ago.

“Hey. You drove here?” She walked toward the car. 

He spoke through the open window. “Yeah. The doctor finally okay'd it. Get in!”

“Here, hold your cup.”

She quickly got in and set her drink in the cup holder while she buckled her seat belt. 

“Where is this place anyway?” She took a sip, but it was still too hot.

He started the car and pulled out of the parking stall. “It’s not that far, but it takes a while to get there. All back roads.”

She smiled politely and looked out the window as they took off down the street.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think down in the comments!


	3. I'll be here waiting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Did she run away? Did she run away? I don't know  
> If she ran away, If she ran away, come back home  
> Just come home"

CeyCey had everyone gathered in her backyard, sharing any details they knew about what her plans were yesterday. They had tried calling her, for hours, but her phone was shut off or dead. He let her friends head the search efforts so he didn’t seem too overbearing. In reality he was having a small nervous breakdown and couldn’t focus well enough to organize anything. Deren was jotting down notes as people took turns giving information. She read everything aloud after everyone had given their account, so they were all on the same page. 

Last seen at home around 10 am yesterday.

No know appointments or meetings.

Prone to panic attacks. Delusions and fits of rage come on if she is severely pressed or if she hasn’t had her medicine.

Not as of yet located at any local hospitals or police stations.

Had not been acting out of the ordinary, according to those that see her most often.

CeyCey broke everyone into teams to go out to search for her: Leyla and Emre would check the mahalle and drive around the city to her common haunts. Merhiban and Deniz would check in with her therapist and continue calling hospitals. Deren would keep watch at her house and be the touchstone for any new intel. CeyCey and Muzo would check the bazaar and comb the wooded area near the manor. 

It didn’t escape his notice that he wasn’t given an assignment. 

He was standing a fair distance from the group, just listening and pacing. Every time he heard a new detail about her life that he wasn’t privy to he ran his hands through his hair and sighed heavily. To be fair, he wasn’t really in a state to help. He caught a few glances from the group. They pitied him. 

Just before they split up to fulfill their assignments he looked around at everyone. It felt like someone was missing. They had collectively decided not to tell the Aydin or Divit parents, preferring to tell them the bad news only when they had brought her back safely. They would have had their hands full just trying to calm the older generation, this gave them a better chance to find her without incident. No, all the family members and close friends that he knew of were present. 

Except for Yigit.

Alarm bells went off in his head. 

Part of him wanted to think that he wasn’t that close to her, he was just her boss, and that’s why no one thought to contact him. But then he remembered the conversation he overheard a few nights ago. They had helped heal each other. Yigit was here for her when he wasn’t. The thought of that man, that liar, spending more time with her than he ever had boiled his blood. 

When he told her that the old Can was dead, that ruthless jealous man, he meant it. After hearing how close the two had become he went back to his boat, and calmed himself down. He refused to do anything that would lower him even further in her estimation. He knew he was a horrible person, a violent man, but now he knew how to control it.

He was losing control.

Different scenarios flashed in his mind like slides on a projector.

_ She couldn’t stand to be near you so she ran away with him. _

_ He took her away to Spain or Greece or New York. _

_ She got lost and panicked, she called him for help. _

_ He is somewhere with her and won’t let her leave or call her friends. _

That last thought made the hair on the back of his neck stand up. The slide was stuck, he couldn’t think of anything else. 

If Yigit could burn the notebook he wanted to publish, and then frame him for it, what else could he do? Could he have planned it out, so he would be able to swoop in and be her hero? Or a martyr? What else had he lied about?

He was the kind of person that had always relied on gut instinct. He wasn’t about to ignore it now.

While the group split up and went on their way, he sent an urgent email to the private investigator, then scrolled his contacts to make a phone call.

His thumb hovered over the name, and then over the call button.

He listened to the ringing on the other end.

**_“Hello? Can?”_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will be at least two more parts to this. I hope to get more written quickly since they seem to be short.  
> Let me know what you think down in the comments!


	4. Now the door is open The world I knew is broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Oh, I hope some day I'll make it out of here  
> Even if it takes all night or a hundred years  
> Need a place to hide, but I can't find one near  
> Wanna feel alive, outside I can fight my fear”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I still recommend my playlist posted above, but I listened to "Vater" by Alice Baldwin the whole time I was writing this chapter. The piano is beautifully haunting: sometimes ethereal, sometimes menacing, very inspiring.

The camp that Yigit took her to was deep in the woods, outside of the city. It had indeed taken them a while to get there, the car getting stuck occasionally on the dirt and gravel roads. It was worth it though. The cabin was quaint, if not a little run down. She kind of liked the shabby look of it, but thought to herself that it might look rather spooky at night time.

She was appreciative of Yigit’s efforts, she could tell he had tidied as best he could on short notice, but it was still pretty rudimentary. It was Spartan in fixture, just a futon and one large armchair to sit on, but it had a bathroom and a tiny kitchen with running water. He set to work getting her extra pillows and him a glass of water, while she sat down and dug out her notebook and pen. 

The breeze drifted in through the windows he had opened to air out the mustiness. She closed her eyes and inhaled. It smelled like grass, and pine, and water, and old things. It transported her to the dream world in her head and she leaned back on the cushions of the futon to write. 

He sat on the arm chair, alternating between reading a manuscript and checking his phone. She wasn’t really paying him any mind. She was finally making good progress and didn’t dare distract herself. Time moved at a different pace when she was in her head, so she didn’t realize how late it was, or how hungry she was until it was getting dark outside. 

She could smell rain, so she got up to close the windows, observing that there was indeed another room at the back of the cabin that she hadn’t noticed before. When she walked to the bathroom she peered in. It was intended as a small bedroom, but only contained traditional floor cushions and an antique wash basin and chamber pot set. She remembered vaguely something Yigit said about his grandfather owning it, or bringing him here as a child. That would explain the decor and general state of it.

When she exited the bathroom she saw Yigit on his phone, pacing back and forth. Something about him struck her, but it was a few seconds before it dawned on her.

He wasn’t using his cane.

Her breath slowed and her heart sped up.

She looked at him again, his long legs making graceful strides, with no visible limp. She looked at the armchair where he had been sitting, his black cane lent up against it. 

Was he miraculously cured? He did say his doctor recently okay’d him to drive again. Why wouldn’t he have said something to her about it before today? He looked almost like he had never been injured at all.

_ Maybe he never was. _

Her blood ran cold. 

He was preoccupied with something and didn’t notice her emerge. He didn’t hear her quietly step around the back of the futon to where the chair was. She picked up the cane he’d been using for almost a year. It was the same as it always was, but now something about it felt malevolent, almost like it was heavier in her hand. 

“Sanem?”

She looked up when he called her name. His eyes were guarded, his skin paler than normal.

She didn’t respond. A million questions and accusations flooding out of her eyes. 

“I can explain.”

He knew he’d been had. 

“How long?”  _ How long have you been able to walk? How long have you been lying to me? _

He could hear her unspoken questions, but instead of answering he set his jaw, his eyes ablaze.

“Were you ever really paralyzed at all?”

He gulped and let a breath out through his nose.

She knew now that she had never truly been afraid of Can. She accused him of being a violent man who could harm her if pushed to the brink. She didn’t realize how wrong she was until it was too late. Now she knew what fear was.

It was the look in Yigit’s eyes.

It was the realization that the man she trusted, the man who helped her heal, had in fact been lying to her.

It was the knowledge that he had taken her somewhere no one could find them, and she couldn’t get back home without him.

“Let’s just sit for a minute and talk-”

“You let me believe that Can could have killed you. You let him believe…”

As every new realization hit her, the panic rose in her throat. She was shaking, but tried to hide it. She couldn’t appear weak in front of him. She didn’t know him like she thought she did, he could be capable of anything. 

“Sanem, please?”

He was trying to appeal to her kind nature. It wasn’t going to work.

_ What else did he lie about? _

Two major events had led to the ultimate destruction of her relationship with the love of her life: the burning of her precious journal, and Yigit’s near fatal accident. The accident had been just that, and accident, and now she new it wasn’t even close to being fatal. He said that Can burned her notebook, but she had only overheard, not seen.

_ Can was right about him. You should have trusted him. You should have believed him. _

Tears welled up in her eyes. She tightened her grip on the cane unconsciously. She clenched her teeth in anger and looked directly in his eyes.

“You ruined my life.”

“What? No, I would never do that. Can was the one who-”

“You burned my notebook, didn’t you?”

His lips parted in shock, his eyes went wide. It was all the confirmation she needed.

“I’m leaving.”

“Sanem.”

He was still using a soft tone, but he moved toward her in a menacing way. 

Her mind raced, switched to tactical mode. She couldn’t reach her cell phone from here, it was at 5% anyway. She still had a hold of his cane, but he was much taller and stronger than her, the odds were not in her favor. There were a few small windows and only one door in and out. He was between her and the door. She remembered the route he took to get here, photographic memory and all, but it would take hours to get to civilization on foot. She had no shoes on, just a flimsy red sundress, and had no idea where he put his car keys, should she be able to get away.

He stepped toward her again. She could see the fire in his eyes. The close quarters of the cabin made him seem even taller than he was, like he towered over her even though he was still more than an arm’s reach away.

She couldn’t take any chances, couldn’t let him get any closer.

She switched her grip and swung.

The cane cracked against his cheekbone and the side of his head. By the sound of it and the feel of the kickback, she had done some damage. He was bent over, clutching his face and cursing, but he still blocked her path. She corrected her grip, ready to swing at him again.

Suddenly he let out an aggressive yell, and lunged for her.

She swung, and missed.

It all happened in a blur. He was too close and moved too fast for her to see her target. The force of her swing spun her so she was facing the opposite wall, away from him. He slammed into her back, his long fingers wrapping around her wrists like shackles. She sucked in a breath in shock. His grip tightened like a vice and he shook her arms so she dropped the cane.  

A stream of curses and demands came out of her as she fought with all her strength. She knew if he got her around the neck, or down on the floor, it would all be over. She thought dimly that she should have had Can show her how to fight, instead of just pretend spar with him that one time out of jealousy. 

They were in the middle of the room now, right in front of the large oak coffee table that had her bag and writing implements strewn all over it. It was an ancient thing, it looked like it had been built and carved right outside in the forest, and had so many layers of lacquer over it it was as if it had turned to stone. These were details she noticed earlier, when she was using it to write. But she didn’t give it much thought now as she was valiantly fighting to defend herself. That was until he moved to snatch one of her flailing arms and brought them both crashing down to the floor. 

She felt the back of her head hit the corner of the table. It wasn’t painful so much as  _ hot _ . She momentarily forgot that she was supposed to be fighting, and reached up to touch her head. He pinned her wrists to the floor before she could inspect the wound. Her head got hotter and her body got colder. She tried to wrench free, but she was too weak to do much more than wiggle. Her vision was going in and out, blurry to red to black. She fought to stay awake, forcing herself to stay in the moment. Yigit was very close to her face and he was saying something to her, more like spewing vitriol.

“He’ll never love you like I do.”

“He left you. I was here for you.”

“I won’t let you leave and go back to him.”

He shook her every time he spoke, making her head thud against the hardwood floor. She was losing her battle with consciousness. 

The last thing she saw before she blacked out was his face, full of hatred and desperation and a crazed kind of love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was different for me, so let me know what you thought down in the comments.


	5. I used to call you my own, my dear But now you’re lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “So if I only could   
> I'd make a deal with God  
> And I'd get him to swap our places  
> I'd be running up that road  
> Be running up that hill  
> With no problems”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I listened to "Labor of Love" by Michael Giacchino while writing this. Yes it is actually a song from Star Trek, but I'm on an instrumental kick and it's working for me so I'm not questioning it.

He called the last person on Earth he ever thought he would speak to again. But Polen was Yigit’s sister, and if anyone knew him it was her. It took a few minutes for him to calm down, and for her to act civilly enough, to actually communicate the problem and brainstorm some ideas of where he could be. She asked if he just tried calling, which pissed him off because of course he tried that, but his phone was shut off. But she did say that she texted him just yesterday about a family event and he answered, so he was definitely alive and texting around the time  _ she  _ went missing. 

They weren’t the closest of siblings, both of them spending much of their time abroad, but they did spend their childhood together, unlike him and Emre. She mentioned a few different places near Istanbul that she knew about, but there was one that stood out in his mind. She said that he spent time at their grandfather’s cabin in the woods every summer. She had only been there a handful of times, it being a little too rustic for her taste even as a girl, but she still knew right where it was. He remembered overhearing something about a camp for  _ her _ to concentrate on her writing, way back when a few days before the worst day of his life. More recently he overheard Yigit talking to her about a sequel to her novel, so it was logical that he would take her to his camp to work on that. 

He was working on pure conjecture and gut instinct, but it had never lead him wrong before when it came to  _ her _ . He asked Polen to send him the address, even though she wasn’t sure her family still owned it, or if it would still be standing when he got there. It was a shot and he was going to take it. He thanked her with sincerity and hung up. He had no time to lose.

The first problem he faced was transportation. Not only were most of his acquaintances out looking for  _ her,  _ but of them only one had a car. He thought about just going to a dealership and buying one on the spot, but that would be costly in time and money. He could of course take a cab, but most cabs didn’t travel that far out of town. Plus he wasn’t sure what he would find there, if anything, and didn’t really want another person witness to his anxiety.     

There really was only one thing to do.

**_“Emre?”_ **

**_“Efendim? Can we are still in the mahalle looking-”_ **

**_“I need you to drive back here right now. I need your car.”_ **

**_“What?”_ **

**_“Just do it, please.”_ **

**_“Did you find something?”_ **

**_“I don’t know yet. I need to get there first.”_ **

**_“Tamam. I’m going to leave Leyla here to keep looking. I’ll be there as quick as I can.”_ **

Emre was the one to hang up on him. Something in his voice must have made him understand the seriousness of the matter. 

He was parked a few feet away from their father’s house less than fifteen minutes later, which meant he definitely broke some traffic laws, but he was eternally grateful. He ran out to meet him and his brother tossed him the keys while getting out of the driver’s side. 

“I owe you one, Abi.”

“Nope. Just get my sister-in-law back in one piece, okay?”

He smiled grimly at his brother and nodded before hopping in the car and speeding out of their quiet little neighborhood. Emre wasn’t the only one breaking speed limits today. 

Most of the way there he tried to convince himself that he wouldn’t find anything, and if he did she would be there, just trying to write, maybe a little irritated at him for being disturbed. He had to focus on the most benign scenarios, because if he thought of the worst case scenarios, he might go all the way out of his mind with worry. The closer he got, the more niggling thoughts slipped through the cracks.

_ He has her there against her will. _

_ He has her there willingly and they aren’t just there to write. _

_ She is hurt, and can’t reach her phone. _

_ She’s already dead and buried out in the woods. _

_ He set a trap for you. He’s there alone and she is hidden somewhere else. _

_ They aren’t there. They’re already in Greece enjoying the sunshine and each other. _

It was late afternoon when he first caught a glimpse of the dilapidated old cabin. It took him an inordinate amount of time to maneuver the dirt roads in Emre’s sports car, but he hoped it would be worth the effort. He didn’t see any signs of life, no cars parked out front, no windows or doors open. He parked the car and got out. It was quiet, peaceful. He understood why someone would want to come here to write.

First he knocked on the door, but when there was no answer he tried the handle, but it was locked. He peered in the nearest window. There wasn’t much inside, but what was there seemed to be in order. Maybe they hadn’t come here? He decided to look around the outside to gather any clues. 

He walked around the building, looking in all the windows, but saw nothing out of the ordinary. Some of the windows at the back were boarded up, but that was to be expected with a place this old. He did find it curious that the nails that were hammered into the old wood looked to be new. He walked back to where he parked the car to get a perspective on the whole cabin. What he found instead were tire marks, not his own, that seemed to be relatively recent. The recent tire marks and new nails would make sense if someone came to clean it up or make repairs. But something about the whole thing made him feel uneasy. 

He closed his eyes and thought of her. He tried to connect to her telepathically, even though he never believed in that sort of thing before. It wasn’t the first time she was lost or injured. He’d found her before. He’d carried her to safely before. He needed to do it again. When telepathy didn’t work he tried logic instead. He’d also kicked in the door of a cabin before, and no harm came of it. He could certainly do it again. And he didn’t come all this way to give up now. 

He opened his eyes and strode to the door with purpose. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think down in the comments!


	6. I feel you holding me Tighter, I cannot see

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I hear the sound, echoes beneath  
> Angels and skylines meet  
> And I'm straining to reach  
> The light on the surface  
> Light on the other side”

She didn’t remember the sensation of being lifted or clumsily set down. She didn’t remember the feeling of his hands in her hair, searching the back of her head for the source of her bleeding. She didn’t remember his panicking or him pacing the room talking to himself. She was asleep and blissfully ignorant.

She did remember waking up in the pitch black, feeling his presence in the room with her. She remembered feeling scared, of the dark, of him. She remembered knowing that he knew she was awake, even though they could barely see.

He approached and she felt his hands on her. He seemed to be checking for injuries, but it felt too invasive all the same. She tried to swat him away, but it was like she was under water, there was too much resistance on her limbs. When his hand brushed her neck she froze in fear. Instead of doing what she thought he might, he just caressed the soft skin there, tangling his fingers in the long chain she wore. 

He was saying something, but it sounded fuzzy and muffled in her ears, she was still under water.

“I’m so sorry. That wasn’t how I wanted tonight to go.”

She looked at him, but couldn’t move. She was sinking in the deep.

“You are so beautiful, even like this.”

She wanted to hit him in the face again. She could make out some swelling on the left side of his face, the skin a pallid color, ready to bruise. 

“What is this necklace you wear? I’ve never seen you without it.”

He gently tugged on the chain until the full length of it came out of the top of her dress. She was so angry that she was actually able to bring her hand up from where it rested on the floor cushion. She tried to snatch it back from him, but he was already inspecting what dangled at the end. 

“What is this?”

He said it in such an aggressive, accusing tone that she knew he knew exactly what it was.

She felt a sharp pain at the back of her neck where dull metal bit into her. Yigit had ripped the chain from her neck. She heard the ping of her engagement ring as it hit the hard floor, somewhere in the dark where she couldn’t see. She gasped in shock and outrage, but her body was already on overdrive from the pain in her head, so the added stress and pain of losing that most precious to her only made her weaker. She was too dizzy to do anything but shed a tear before the blackness took her again.

This time when she woke up there was more light in the room. He wasn’t in the room either, and for that she was grateful. In fact it was deadly quiet, the birds outside the only creatures making noise. She tried to get up, but her head felt heavier than before, so she settled with slowly turning it so she could at least survey the room. The bedroom looked much the same as it had yesterday when she peeked in, the only difference was the small trail of blood on the floor leading from the living room and her ring shining next to the cushion she rested on. 

She focused all her strength into her fingertips. Her right hand shook as she spread her fingers out on the cold wood, searching for smooth metal. When she touched it, it felt like home. She was able to pick it up and bring her hand over her body, but she had to rest a moment before she was able to use her other hand to put the ring on. The chain she normally wore it on was nowhere to be seen, so the safest place for it was the ring finger on her right hand. It hadn’t been there for over a year, but she would be lying if she didn’t admit how right it felt nestled there. Once it was snug, her arms flopped back down to her sides, exhausted. 

She could feel the ghosts of the darkness pulling her under again, but held them off long enough to smile faintly at the thought of seeing her dream again.

_ The moonstone ring glinted on her left hand, her silver wedding band next to it. The next minute it was covered in sand. Her son had tossed a whole shovel full right where she was trying to build a tower. Instead of scolding him she just giggled and made a face at him. He smiled gloriously back at her. He had a small gap between his two front teeth, just like his dad.  _

_ His father was on the other side of the sand castle she was trying to erect. He was still the most beautiful man she had ever seen, even with a few more crow’s feet and some streaks of gray in with the brown. Their third child was in his lap, helping him pack wet sand into a bucket. The dimples in her cheeks more pronounced when she was concentrating on something.  _

_ She heard some bickering and looked over to see that her son, her eldest child, was pestering his sister, her second child, about sharing space on the towel. The girl’s brown hair whipped in the wind, the exact color of her own, as she scolded her brother for making her lose her place in her book.. She called to them and they came over to join their little sister and father in the sand.  _

_ The children helped one another to build a sturdy structure. She met her husband’s eye above their creation. He still looked at her the same way, the way that gave her butterflies every single time. But there was something else in his expression this time. She furrowed her brow and looked closer. It felt like he was trying to communicate something to her.  _

_ I love you. _

_ I will always protect you. _

_ Stay with me. _

When she woke the third time it was to a loud sound close by. If she wasn’t in so much pain she would maybe be scared. Her eyes closed, the light was too bright, but she could still hear. When she heard the same sound again, but closer still, she was grateful that everything sounded muffled to her ears. It surely would have been earsplitting, not to mention terrifying, otherwise. 

The noise and the light and the pain became too much and she tried to grasp at sleep, and the sweet relief it would bring. She almost got there, back to her pleasant dreams, but someone pulled her up and out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am camping in the black hole of death but I managed to post! Yay!


	7. Oooh, does she know that we bleed the same?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “When darkness comes upon you  
> And colors you with fear and shame  
> Be still and know that I'm with you  
> And I will say your name”

The door was harder to kick in than anticipated. Whoever built this place had made the door out of a thick piece of oak. Hardened and weathered over time, it took him four tries to get the latch broken. Already a little out of breath, he took a moment to look around and gather himself. 

The room didn’t seem much different than it had through the window, nothing out of place. There were only two doors that he could see that would lead to other rooms. One of the doors was open, and he could see from where he stood that it was a bathroom. The other door at the back of the small cabin, was shut. He found it odd that an inner door would be closed, especially if the front door was locked. When he saw what looked to be a trail of blood leading under said door, he knew his instincts were correct. 

He didn’t take a second to pause and inspect, to determine what kind of scuffle ensued, he just knew that  _ she  _ could be here and she could be hurt. He slammed his shoulder into the door while twisting the knob. It was locked. He knew something was terribly wrong. Panic rose in his throat, nearly cutting off his air. He stepped back and kicked the door, adrenaline aiding him in splintering the wood near the handle. 

He shoved through, using his shoulder again, ending up half way into the small room due to excessive force. He was not prepared for what he found.

She would have looked dead, if not for her slightly furrowed brow. Her skin was pale, her under eyes dark but puffy at the same time. Her long wavy hair flowed out in tendrils around her like dark rivers, some spread across the cushion she rested on, some across her neck, and some spilling out onto the floor. The image of her made breathing difficult, his vision blue around the edges.

_ You can’t do this now. She needs you. _

He forced air into his lungs and dropped to his knees. Now that he was closer he could see her chest rise and fall with steady but shallow breaths. She seemed unaware of his presence though, which concerned him. He took one second to inspect her visually, so as not to disturb or frighten her, When he saw blood matted in her hair, all thoughts of propriety left his mind.

He immediately scooped her up, an arm under her knees and one around her back. She felt limp in his arms, but at the same time overly light, like a sleeping child. The only part of her that he had touched in over a year was her wrist, that was till now. But he thought she felt smaller and more frail than she ever had before. He couldn’t help the tears from forming in his eyes. One escaped as he carried her over the threshold of the bedroom, running down his cheek and dripping onto her chest. It was then that he noticed her necklace was missing, the one she always wore. He wondered if she left it behind somewhere in the cabin, but knew it wasn’t more important than her life. 

He was grateful that the front door was already open for him to easily carry her through, but the car door was going to be a different story. He cursed Emre’s choice of sports car, but managed to open the passenger door without dropping her. He gently lowered the seat back so she could rest reclined. He buckled her in, he was **not** about to risk further injury, then ran around to the driver’s side.

His heart jumped with every single lump and bump in the road, the whole way back to the city. She still wasn’t responsive, her head lolling about every time he turned. But he continued checking her, making sure she was still breathing, that nothing was getting worse. Not that he had any idea what was wrong with her or how it happened. He was angry at himself for that too, even though he had no idea the terror that would befall her. He still felt it was his duty to protect her, even after all this time, even though she didn’t want it. 

His axiety spiked as they approached the emergency room entrance of the hospital. She needed to be seen by a doctor, but he was utterly terrified of finding out what had happened to her. 

_ She is alive. _

_ She is safe. _

_ She is here with you. _

He made it a mantra. The only thing that kept him from spiralling downward as the hospital staff helped him lay her down on a gurney and wheeled her away. He probably looked a little crazed, with his unkempt hair and beard, carrying an unconscious girl in through the sliding glass doors. He was surprised when they let him follow her all the way to the exam room, only kicking him out so the doctor could examine her. A nurse had to gently push him away from the door so that he would sit down and not look in through the small window. They had started cutting off her beautiful red dress, the fabric tearing as easily as his heart.

He sat in a chair outside her room for a few minutes willing his hands to stop shaking. A staff member had asked him to move Emre’s car out of the fire lane, he really didn’t want to get a ticket, but he needed to get his shit together first. Finding a parking spot was a sufficient enough distraction, until he walked back into the lobby and saw her parents and Leyla and Emre sitting in the waiting area. 

He wanted to fall apart, for someone to comfort him, to have someone to cry with, pray with. But he knew he wouldn’t find that with her family. And they were right, he was just lucky enough to find her. He saved her this time, but they had saved her so many more times when he wasn’t here. He sat down at the end of the bench next to his brother and rested his elbows on his knees, his head in his hands. 

Emre nudged him and asked for his keys back, trying to lighten the mood. It fell flat, and he dropped the keys in his open palm with a clunk. They waited for what seemed like days, but was really only and hour or so. Nihat held a crying Mevkibe, Emre held Leyla’s hand, and he sat alone, his other half shut away in a hospital room. 

When the doctor came out, her parents were the first to stand to meet him. He hung back, but stayed close enough to the group to listen carefully.

“You all are Sanem’s family I presume?”

Everyone nodded but him.

“I’ll get straight to it then. Her prognosis is good, but she did sustain a severe head injury. Now, we aren’t sure when or how this happened, but we estimate it was sometime yesterday by the amount of bleeding and swelling that occured. It looks like it was some type of blunt force trauma, it could have been accidental or criminal in nature. We are working with the police who are gathering evidence about her disappearance.”

“She is sleeping now, we gave her some medicine to reduce the swelling in her brain and take away her pain. You can go in to visit her in a moment, but I would suggest only one person in the room at a time. I do want to say, whoever found her and brought her in did so just in time. She most likely won’t have any permanent damage from this as it was just a concusion and laceration of the scalp, but if she hadn’t been treated when she was, she could have died.”

Everyone gasped at that bit of information, her mother breaking into full blown hysterics. Nihat just stood there with tears dripping off his chin while Leyla tried to calm her mother. The Divit brothers stood stock still, unsure of what to do, how to process it all. He was not taking it well. It was good news really, but his brain just zeroed in on words like  _ blunt force trauma, criminal,  _ and _ could have died _ .

He quickly sat down before he fell down. The mental toughness he built up during his year entirely alone, the strength of will that he installed after reading her book and deciding to stay, it all crumbled down for a moment. He was nothing without her. Everything he did, he did for her. Leave, come back to stay, search for her, save her. It all would mean nothing if he had lost her. He took the moment to grieve, for what could have happened, for what did happen, and for what might happen. Then he stood up and followed the doctor to her room. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am still camping but out of the black hole of death. I am still using my phone though so posting and format might be a little off. I am thinking this will end with eight or nine chapters.   
> Let me know what you thought down in the comments!


	8. If no one is standing beside you Be still and know I am

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Now the door is open  
> The world I knew is broken  
> There's no return  
> Now my heart is not scared  
> Just knowing that you're out there  
> Watching me”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While writing this I listened to “Beth’s Theme” by Olafur Arnalds from the Broadchurch soundtrack. It was just the right amount of melancholy and it just brought out the right emotions to inspire me this chapter. Not only is Broadchurch incredible, but Olafur Arnalds’ music is so beautifully haunting. You should look him up on Spotify and just listen to anything he’s produced.

She wakes up in darkness. The twinkling lights distract her, and for a moment she thinks she is outside on the pier staring at the water and the city lights, like she does every night. But she knows she isn’t home. She recognizes that it is in fact night time, but everything else is wrong. 

She opens her eyes fully and is surprised at being able to see clearly. There is no fuzziness to her vision or dizziness to her head when she scans her room, determining where she is. It’s the hospital, but she doesn’t remember how she got there. This doesn’t really surprise her, and she is grateful that the pain that plagued her for 24 hours is finally gone, but she is frustrated by the not knowing. Who found her, how did they get her here, what exactly happened to her? Important things she wished she could remember. 

She can hear angry voices near her door, which is open a crack. They aren’t loud per se, but definitely too much for a hospital wing at night. She thinks this is what initially woke her up because she recognizes  _ his  _ voice right away. Something is wrong. She has never heard him sound like this before. His voice sounds tight, like he might cry.

“She is innocent. If you hate me so much, why didn’t you hurt  _ me _ ?”

“Now, Can. How could you think that?”

Huma Hanim’s false sweet voice made her spine straighten and her eyes widen. She listened closely, even though she knew she shouldn’t eavesdrop. 

“You knew that I loved her more than anyone, more than myself, and you hated that. Hated the thought of her occupying so much space in my heart, space you thought you could win? No. No one could ever take that space away. It will be there until I die, whether she wants me or not.”

His words made her breath come short and goosebumps rise on her arms. 

She had prayed every day for a year to hear beautiful words like that from him again. For her to fully believe them again. Now that she heard them she couldn’t help but wish they were under different circumstances. He was finally standing up to his mother, but she herself was lying in a hospital bed and he was outside crying in anger. 

_ Whether she wants me or not. _

A tear slid down her cheek, hot on her cold skin.

“What you did is unforgivable. You aren’t my mother. You never were.”

She isn’t sure what Huma did exactly to earn this ire from him, but she knows that she deserves it. He had only been back in her life for a few days, but she could already see that he was indeed a changed man. He was more patient, more weary, and even more humble than he once was. But he was no fool. If she did something for him to cut her out of his life again, for good, then it must be serious. 

Huma’s heels clicked down the hall, but she could still feel his presence close to the room. So his mother had nothing to say for herself? It was just as well, she didn’t want him to hurt more than he already had.  _ She _ was hurt, laying in a hospital bed strapped to machines, tubes coming out of her arms, but she realized just how much pain he had gone through too. 

She accused him of burning her precious journal. She believed someone she knew for a few weeks over the man she said she loved. They both believed that man was nearly killed. Their mutual stubbornness bore a separation. Upon his return she had said hurtful things to him and told him to leave. She thought, and was told, that he was a terrible person. While she maintained some of her feelings and actions were justified, she felt horrible for all the unnecessary hurt she caused him. It was in her nature to take blame on herself, but this time some of it was earned. 

A stream of tears began flooding down her face. Like melted snow in the spring, her heart was finally thawing. 

She cried for him. What she had done to him, what Yigit had done to him. She cried for herself, for her naivety, for her broken dreams, for her lost year. They were angry tears, and mournful tears, and desperate tears, and listless tears. 

She could hear him crying outside her room. His shoulder darkened the small space the open door left, he was sitting on the chair just outside. She had never seen him shed a tear, but even just hearing it made her wish she never would. He was so quiet, but she could hear him breathing heavily through his nose and shakily out through his mouth. She wanted to go to him, touch his shoulder and brush her thumb across his cheek, but she couldn’t. Not only was she stuck to a bed, but they were still so emotionally distant that the thought of a brush of skin on skin was almost too much, too intimate. 

She needed the next best thing. Her hand reached for the spot right between her ribs on instinct, but all she felt was starchy hospital gown. She panicked for a fraction of a second before remembering what Yigit had done, and how she rescued her small piece of  _ him _ by putting it on her finger. 

_ Where it belongs. _

She dutifully ignored her inner voice, and brought her other hand over her torso to touch the smooth metal band. It instantly calmed her. Her heart beat in time again. She only wished that  _ he  _ had a talisman to help him in his time of need, because this time she couldn’t.

_ This time. _

It was clear to her now that she needed to be there for him, like he was here for her now, like he had been there since he returned. She was done pushing him away, she was done ignoring the truth, done disbelieving him.

She fell into a peaceful sleep for the first time in over a year.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will be at least one more chapter to wrap this all up.
> 
> Let me know what you thought down in the comments.


	9. Love will never die Love’s ignorant of time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Then I'll see your face  
> I know I'm finally yours  
> I find everything I thought I lost before  
> You call my name  
> I come to you in pieces  
> So you can make me whole”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I listened to "Lag Fyrir Ommu" By Olafur Arnalds while writing this. It just had the perfect tone I wanted to hit with this chapter. I suggest you listen to it while reading.

He was the first one in the room. Not her parents or her sister, him. He should have felt bad because they were her family after all, but  _ she _ was his family. She was everything to him and he had a renewed determination to do everything in his power to help heal her.

Surprisingly her family didn’t say anything, just let him take his time. She looked much better than when he found her on the floor of the old abandoned cabin, she had her color back at least. It helped that he knew she was alive, breathing, with medicine pumping through her veins healing her and taking the pain away. Her hair was wet from where they swabbed the blood away and cleaned her wound. He couldn’t see it, but he knew she had stitches somewhere on the back of her head. She’d probably always have a scar. She was so beautiful. All the more for living through what she had. 

He took one last look and stepped out and let her family see her. The police had arrived and wanted to take a statement from him right away. He was going to help their investigation in any way that he could. They were taking the accusations against Yigit very seriously. He was their number one suspect and were currently trying to hunt him down.

He had just sat down on the chair outside her room when he got a phone call from his private investigator. He was going to stand up to take the call somewhere more private, but the man said he should probably be sitting when he heard what he found.

The investigator had seen Yigit meet up at Can’s mother’s house on several occasions in the past few days. The man found that odd as it seemed their only connection was through Sanem, and she wasn’t in contact with Huma at all. The day Sanem was reported missing he couldn’t account for Yigit in any of his usual hang outs. He did however spot Huma speaking nervously over the phone on several occasions during that time period. He also said there were many times that he saw Yigit walking quickly or hopping steps in a way that made him think he didn’t need the aid of a cane. In conclusion, the private investigator thought Can had reason to doubt the both of them.

He knew Yigit burned the journal. Now it seemed he was pretending his handicap was worse than it was? He remembered that it was his mother that delivered the news that Yigit could be paralyzed. Could she have plotted with him to fake his terrible injury knowing it would break her son and his relationship in the process? His gut said yes, and the investigator had evidence to back it up. The idea that she could do that was terrible in itself, but thinking she was still in contact with Yigit, and was so while the love of his life was laying half dead in a run down cabin, made his blood boil. 

He was able to calmly hang up the phone before it fell out of his hands and on the floor. Luckily he was sitting and the phone didn’t break, but he did. His hands were shaking, he couldn’t get enough air, he wanted to punch the wall so hard his hand would go through to the other side. 

_ My mother destroyed my life. _

_ Yigit was never paralyzed. _

_ I ran away for nothing. _

_ She’s been deceived for a whole year. _

_ I left her to the wolves. _

_ Yigit almost killed her. _

_ Huma probably pushed him to do it, or helped cover it up. _

The pieces of the jigsaw were coming together but it was too much at once. His hands were in his hair, smoothing it by his forehead and pulling it at the back. Nothing was helping the headache go away or the anger to recede. 

The nurses must have taken pity on him, or he looked even worse than he felt. He barely slept the night before and hadn’t eaten in over a day, he was swaying where he sat. Two older nurses led him to the common area in the wing where he could get a cup of coffee. When they saw that caffeine wasn’t going to cut it they made him sit and brought him food to eat. He supposed they just didn’t want another patient on their hands, but their pity felt more like kindness and he accepted it along with the food. When he finished his food he had calmed a bit so decided to go back to sit with  _ her _ , but visiting hours were almost over. They must have been keeping an eye on him because when they saw his panic at being separated from her they conspired to let him stay the night. They told him it was because the police were going to come interview her as soon as she woke up, and he needed to be there for any further questioning. But they all knew that wasn’t the whole truth.

Three minutes before visiting hours ended his mother showed up with a small bouquet of flowers. 

“What the hell are you doing here?”

His voice was low and deceptively calm, hatred bubbling beneath.

“I came to offer well wishes, of course.”

Her obtuse manner and false concern set him off.

He was sure his yelling would get him kicked out but his control was gone. He didn’t have much control to begin with when it came to  _ her _ , but when her safety was concerned, it all flew out the window. Nothing and no one mattered but  _ her  _ and Allah help anyone in his way. 

She didn’t defend or explain herself, just walked away when his tirade was over. It was fine with him. He never wanted to see her face again, except perhaps behind bars.

He’d been running on empty for far too long, but now he was totally drained. His world had flipped upside down today, and there wasn’t much left to do but cry. He cried for her, how scared and betrayed she must have felt. He cried for him, for the months and months that he told himself he was a bad man, for time wasted. 

He was weak, that’s what he told himself when he trudged back into her room to sleep in the chair next to her bed. He always felt a certain pull toward her, but it was stronger now that he was so weary. She could heal him or hurt him with just a touch. He was hoping it would work in his favor this time. 

He noticed her hands were clasped together over her stomach, where before they rested by her sides. He furrowed his brow. Did she move? He shook his head dispelling the notion. She was sound asleep. She looked  _ serene _ even. 

He sat down in the plush chair. He kept looking at her hands willing himself still. His will broke easily and he reached out to touch her. He was positioned on the right side of her, the perfect distance away to allow her to rest but still able to hold her hand. That’s all he wanted to do, he hoped he didn’t wake her. The skin of her arm was soft and warm, the heat seeping into his bones. He deftly lifted her arm at the wrist, to slip her right hand out from under her left. She didn’t wake up, but what he saw on her hand shocked the sleep from his brain.

His old moonstone glinted up at him as if in greeting. It was smaller now and set in silver in a band around her ring finger, but it still held the same power. He continued to blink, thinking it might change what he saw, but no. His ring, the one he gave to her over a year ago, the one she said she would never take off, was right there on her hand. He hadn’t seen her with it in the days since he had returned, and was convinced it had appeared by magic. 

He touched it to be sure it was real. It was. It wasn’t magic, she put it there herself. He gasped. Heat flooded his chest and goosebumps sprang up on his arms. 

_ She still loves me. _

Hope pulsed through his body with each beat of his heart. 

He fell asleep with her hand in his, the metal of her ring smooth against his palm.

*********************************************************************************************

He awoke abruptly when he felt a manicured nail tap him on the shoulder. It must have been shift change, because there was a new, not so happy nurse, staring at him with a look that could kill. Instead of arguing he gently let go of  _ her _ hand and quietly slunk out into the hallway. The windows at the end of the wing glowed pink with the rising sun. He sat down on the chair in the hall, his sentinel post, and leaned his head against the wall. 

He must have been more tired than he thought because when he woke again the windows at the end of the hall glowed blue, the mid-morning sun shining in his eyes. He heard voices in her room and turned to look. Two uniformed police officers, one man standing at the back and one woman sitting in the chair taking notes, were there questioning her about her disappearance. He could hear every word they were saying, but it was drowned out by her beauty. She was awake, sitting up, brown eyes clear and brow furrowed in concentration. It was the face she made when she wanted to make sure she said something correctly, or when she needed to convey something important. 

He forced himself to turn around and just listen. 

When she stopped talking and the officers left, he sat there in disbelief that everything he suspected was true. Yigit lured her away to a secluded place with less than pure intentions. She discovered he had been lying and faking his injury. They got into a scuffle which ended with her in bad shape. Yigit carried her to the bedroom and left her there to rot. 

He thought he might be angry, want vengeance, when he heard all that happened from her own mouth. But his tank was empty. He just felt sad for her. Finding out what Yigit had done had nearly broken him, but he wasn’t the one who befriended him, trusted him, for over a year while his life fell apart. She was going to be crushed under the weight of guilt and anger, she would need someone to help pull her out. He could only pray that she would take the hand he offered. 

He summoned the courage to enter her room. He realized just how little they had spoken since he decided to stay in Istanbul. The puzzle was solved now in his head, but it was another thing entirely to actually talk to her, to try to heal them. 

“Can I come in?”

“Yes.”

She spoke quietly and nodded demurely. She looked mentally drained, but healthier than yesterday.

“I know what happened. I mean...I sort of heard.”

She looked straight at him, into him. Searching for understanding, deciding whether or not to let her guard down.

“I want to be honest with you. I hired a detective to look into him-”

“I don’t want to talk about him.”

“Tamam.” He gestured to the chair he spent the night in. “Can I sit here.”

She nodded quickly, looking down at her lap, unconsciously playing with her ring.

“If you know what happened then...Can you tell me how I got out of there? The police didn’t say anything about that.”

“Oh.” He swallowed hard. 

He wasn’t expecting this question and wasn’t sure how to answer it. He went with honesty.

“I did. I mean, I found you.”

She looked at him with a thousand questions in her eyes.

Then her eyes changed and it was like all the questions were answered.

“You still love me?”

It sounded more like a statement coming from her lips.

He looked pointedly at the ring she was twisting around her finger.

“You still love me?”

He looked at her with one question and one answer in his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end my friend.
> 
> But...
> 
> There will be an epilogue in Sanem's perspective to round it off to ten.


	10. Thank God you are Someone who loves me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Could I rest here for a while  
> Near that medal 'round your neck  
> St. Jude's wearing a smile  
> He wouldn't mind I bet  
> I can't go face the world  
> My bones won't hold me up  
> So tell the saint of lost souls where to find me  
> Softly sleepin' here in the deep end of someone who loves me”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I discovered this song right before Ep 40 came out and now every time I listen to it I think of them and cry like a baby. This image of them immediately popped into my head when I heard the lyrics, so I hope you listen and read along.
> 
> "Someone Who Loves Me" by Sara Bareilles

The late spring breeze carried with it the scent of the forest and the sea. It cooled her overwarm skin and rocked the hammock she rested in. Her eyelashes fluttered as she squeezed her eyes shut tighter. She was in her happy place and she didn’t want to be disturbed by anything not even the wind. 

His chest was warm, his heartbeat a steady soothing sound under her ear. His arm around her kept her from falling out, kept her from drowning in feelings of sadness or anxiety. He’d been here for her, her constant sentry, her boat in the storm. It was all she ever wanted from him, and even though the circumstances were terrible, she couldn’t regret the opportunity to make things right. She wouldn’t have been able to live with herself if they hadn’t at least  _ tried _ .

They were trying, they were succeeding. They still loved each other deeply, had never stopped loving each other, and that was the most important thing. She had bad days, when the fear of abandonment or memories of what Yigit did reared their ugly heads. But he didn’t run away, he didn’t leave her side. He proved over and over again that he was a man of his word, a man who would do anything for her.    

He had bad days too, days when he doubted her belief in him. It hurt to see him so beaten down, so heartbroken. His strength and determination gave her hope, it gave her the patience to help him up and dust him off. It took her some time to understand that his wings had also been broken, and while she had risen from the ashes, he didn’t have anyone to mend him. She was healing him now, and he was teaching her how to fly again. It wasn’t the picturesque happy ending she wrote in her book, but it was happy for the most part. 

She smiled thinking how this wasn’t their ending. They had many more years, more chapters yet to write, but they would write them together. She snuggled impossibly closer to him, touching the moonstone ring that hung from her neck. He had bought her a new chain for it, a delicate silver link that ended just before the swell of her breasts. It wasn’t hidden under her clothes anymore but gleamed at the center of her chest for everyone to see. She was no longer ashamed for people to know that she depended on him, because he depended on her too.

They had taken to napping in the afternoons. It had started two weeks ago when she had returned home after a breakthrough in her therapy session. She was exhausted but she couldn’t stop crying and couldn’t calm down. He hugged her, breathed with her, and laid down with her. No connotations no expectations, just comfort. She had never slept so soundly. 

They were taking baby steps. They weren’t exactly lovers,  _ yet _ . They were more than friends, but they hadn’t kissed or moved passed sleeping next to one another. But it felt right, it felt like  _ them.  _ She didn’t care that no one else seemed to understand their relationship, but she was happy that her family had warmed to him again. It wasn’t just that they were grateful to him for saving her life, they saw that he wasn’t going anywhere and his mind was made up.  

Sometimes it shocked her how different he was. Most of him was the same, but he really was a more patient, less jealous, less angry man. Grief changed a person, she knew first hand. But she saw the old Can the day they arrested Yigit and brought him in for questioning. She could see it in the way that he squeezed his eyes shut and how his hands shook that the anger simmered just below the surface, barely contained. She had mixed feelings that day. She was obviously relieved that her kidnapper had been caught, but she couldn’t help but feel an overwhelming sense of sadness for time lost and trust broken. She wished things could have been different, and it took  _ him  _ being there for her to realize that there was no sense in dwelling on what ifs.     

She was there for him a few days later when his mother was also brought in by the police. She wasn’t involved in the actual kidnapping and so couldn’t be punished for it, but she was charged with accessory after the fact for her knowledge of Yigit’s misdeeds. She was the one who told him to flee the scene and leave her for dead, and that was just as bad as the actual injury in Can’s eyes. To be betrayed by a friend and coworker of one year was nothing compared to the betrayal of a mother of thirty years. She convinced him to start therapy too, at the same facility but with a different counselor, and she could tell it was helping. But only time could fully heal their wounds.  

She felt his arm tighten around her shoulders, a gruff breath escaping his lips. He was still asleep and she could tell by how his eyelids fluttered that he was dreaming. From her place gazing up at him he looked almost childlike, with his long eyelashes and slight smile. She bit her lip to contain her smile, contain her tears. He was really here, he was really hers. And she was his. 

She closed her eyes and lay her head back in the spot that was made for her. Now when she dreamed of them building sandcastles with their children it didn’t feel like a dream, but more like a promise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the love on this one. It means a lot to me.
> 
> Let me know what you think down in the comments!


End file.
